An Unyielding Desire (After The End Book 2) Page 13

  Shane had to bite back a small smile at that, recalling how grown up he’d felt at fifteen. “Come on, Coop and Dana. We have to go.”

  Valeria kept the gun trained on them as they backed away. When they were out of her line-of-sight, the three of them turned and rushed to the parking lot. Ben lay where they’d left him, paler than he had been, but gun still in hand. Dana went for the Humvee, and Shane helped Coop load him in the backseat. They were about to pull out of the parking lot when the two women came out, waving their arms.

  Coop pulled the Humvee close to them. “Climb in and find a spot. It’s going to be a fast ride, so strap in if you can.”

  It seemed to take forever for them to make it back to the farm. As soon as Coop pulled up to the porch, getting as close as he could, Dana hopped out to get Emme. Shane wasn’t sure how much help a naturopath would be, but she was all they had. Together, he and Coop carried Ben into the house, surprised when Yu helped hold his head. Valeria hung back, clearly still not trusting anyone.

  They laid him on the dining table, and Emme came rushing into the room, Mina at her side. Shane moved out of the way, as did Coop and the others, watching Emme don gloves from an expanded first-aid kit and start examining the wound.

  “Do you know your blood type, Ben?”

  He groaned, but didn’t answer.

  “Check his dog tags,” said Shane.

  Mina did as he’d suggested. “B-negative.”

  Emme frowned. “Is anyone else a B-negative?”

  No one spoke up, and she cursed. They watched in silence as she worked, obviously trying to staunch the flow of blood. Ben grew paler with each passing moment.

  “Hurry up,” urged Kelly.

  “I’m a doctor of naturopathy, not a damned trauma surgeon, Kelly.” Emme looked flustered, but continued working. She was probing the wound with her fingers, making Ben scream, when he drummed his heels on the table and went silent.

  Shane knew what that meant and jumped in to lend a hand as they tried to resuscitate the private. He traded off with Coop after a few minutes, before Emme just stopped. She stripped off her gloves, dropped them on the table, and turned away. It seemed like someone should announce the time of death, but they all kept quiet.

  Emme didn’t speak to anyone as she left the room, quickly followed by Mina. Shane looked at Coop, sharing a moment of understanding and loss. They were still soldiers, no matter what had happened to them since The End. Losing another member of their team hurt, and he questioned if he had made the right decision. If they had brought Ben back to the farm before rescuing the women, would the boy have survived? There was no way to know, and he couldn’t change the decision he’d made, but being a leader sucked sometimes.

  Chapter Eleven

  He didn’t come to her that night, and Mina was relieved, though she hated the circumstances that had led to her reprieve. She hated seeing how down the soldiers all were. Ben had been a nice boy, and it wasn’t fair that he’d died. Realizing he was just a few months older than her also gave her new reasons to fear the future.

  They buried the boy the next day, picking a spot away from most of the utilized farmland. Someone had carved a simple wooden cross with his name, rank, birth date, and yesterday’s date. Mina had no idea if December 12, 2020 was exactly the right date, since structured time was a bit harder to track these days, having lost most of its meaning.

  Lia was absent, and Mina heard Tony telling Kelly she had started bleeding that morning from a suspected miscarriage. Seeing the grave of a young man softened her anger toward her sister, and she hoped the herbal abortion was safe for her sister, if that was what Lia wanted. Too many people had already died to lose her so senselessly.

  Shane had been subtle about staking his claim, but he stood right beside her, his hand on her lower back. She was angry at the way he’d taken upon himself to announce they were a couple—even if that was a very loose definition of what they really were—but had enough compassion to hold back reacting for now.

  She was also feeling a bit cheered by the cramps she’d been having, which always preceded her period’s arrival. It was unlikely she carried either Shane or Coop’s baby, and she was thrilled. Celebrating would wait until after the arrival of her menses, of course, but she was probably in the clear.

  *****

  Mina could have jumped for joy when she received confirmation three days later that there would be no baby. Shane took the news stoically, and she hated that it hurt him, and then hated that she hated hurting him. What kind of idiot was she to have any feelings for the manipulative jerk?

  Lia was up and around that morning too, and she looked well. Mina hadn’t asked, but assumed the process had worked. She returned her attention to their new arrivals, who were joining them for the first time. The two women had been sleeping in the basement on an old pullout couch. It wasn’t comfortable, but she imagined it had to be better than the hard floor of the walk-in freezer, especially since they weren’t being raped by multiple men several times daily.

  Mina smiled at Yu as Emme sat down at the table. She looked better as well, having spent the first two days after Ben died looking a bit like a ghost. Mina knew it had hit her hard that she couldn’t save the boy, though no one blamed her. She had done her best.

  Emme handed a cup of tea to both Yu and Valeria. “Like I said, a cup a day until your cycle starts. Let me know if you don’t bleed soon, and we can try something else.”

  The women drank obediently, shuddering at the first taste, and Mina nodded sympathetically. It really did taste awful since Emme had exhausted her supply of stevia, and they were saving the last bit of sugar and honey for Christmas.

  “How long have you been here?” asked Yu.

  “Since birth,” said Mina. “Our grandfather built this house.”

  “And the soldiers?” asked Valeria, looking nervous. “Are they safe to be around?”

  Mina and Emme exchanged a look, not sure how to answer that one. Shane was…unpredictable, but seemed content with just her as his sex slave. “They’ve been a big help,” she settled for saying.

  “Coop and Owen are hot,” said Yu, giggling a little.

  Valeria shuddered. “How you can think about anything like that after what we’ve been through is a mystery to me, Yu.”

  “Rape doesn’t define who you are,” said Mina.

  Valeria sneered. “Just try it sometime.”

  “I have.”

  The older woman’s hard expression eased a bit, though she still said, “It’s easy to think you can come back after one rape, but how do you get over being used multiple times per day by men who enjoy hurting you?” Her voice broke. “How do you reconcile letting them hurt the young girl you’ve been watching out for?”

  Mina glanced out the window, easily catching sight of Shane on the tower. “I don’t know.” There wasn’t a good reply she could offer without explaining the complicated, tangled mess she had with Shane. She was suddenly grateful her rapist appeared to have developed a bit of a conscience and treated her more gently than the men who had hurt Yu and Valeria. What a fucked up situation, to be happy her rapist wasn’t always violent.

  Yu took her hand. “Valeria, you couldn’t stop them. You bore the brunt of it, and you did everything you could to protect me. You can’t blame yourself.”

  “Blame the world we live in,” said Emme firmly. “Our new reality sucks. All we can do is try to prepare for any eventuality and survive what happens.”

  “You should come to Dana’s classes.” They were more infrequent now, but she had a feeling the other woman would start doing them again to teach the women across the table how to defend themselves. It was something she had appreciated learning, though Mina wished someone could teach her how to defend herself from Shane when he was acting charming and reasonable. It was much easier to know how she should feel when she’d been terrified of him hurting her.

  *****

  “Why haven’t you said it again?” asked Shane, play
ing with her hair that night in bed.

  Mina turned her head to look at him. “Said what?”

  “That you love me? I’ve said it a few times now, and you never say it back.” He sounded unconcerned, but there was vulnerability in his eyes.

  Dammit, she had hoped this would never come up, and the thought of telling him the truth when he was looking at her like that made her feel like she was kicking a puppy. “I shouldn’t have said it the first time.”

  He frowned. “What? You’re taking it back?”

  Mina bit her lip. “Not exactly. It’s just, you caught me at a moment when I was tired and weak. You said it, and I automatically repeated it.”

  Shane’s brows furrowed. “So instead of taking it back, you’re saying you lied the first time?”

  Sighing, she turned on her side to face him. “I didn’t lie. It’s just sort of second nature. Someone says they love you, and you tell them the same.”

  He snorted. “That’s a bunch of bull.”

  Mina shrugged. “That’s what happened.” She tensed when his expression tightened, fully expecting him to hurt her. He frowned when she flinched as he lifted his hand.

  Moving slowly, Shane stroked her cheek. “I’m not going to hit you.” He leaned closer, cupping her chin to bring her mouth up toward his. “I don’t believe you though.”

  Her eyes widened. “What don’t you believe?”

  “That you don’t love me. You might not want to, but you do.” He kissed her lightly. “I don’t deserve it, but I know you do.”

  “You’re so good at deluding yourself,” she whispered before he kissed her again.

  He chuckled. “Baby girl, you’re the one laboring under self-delusions. You prevaricate, unable to decide if you want to run or stay. One moment, you’re ready to kick me out of your bed, and the next, your thighs squeeze around me, and your sweet little pussy clings to me as you come, my name on your lips. You can’t decide what you want, or what you should want, leaving us in limbo.”

  Mina gave him a fierce frown. “I know what I want.”

  “Okay, what?”

  “I want this to be over. If you walked out and never came back to my room, I’d be fine with that.”

  Shane arched a brow. “Really?”

  Mina nodded, trying not to show a hint of uncertainty. What was wrong with her? That was what she wanted. Right? “Look, if you were really different, it might change things. As it stands, I don’t know how much you’ve changed, and how much is just rewarding all the ways I give in to your demands. I’m still afraid of what you might do to me and my family if I don’t give you what you want. How can I really love you when I’m scared of you?”

  He looked upset. Shane sat up, pushing his hand through his overgrown black locks. “Yeah, okay.”

  “Okay, what?”

  “I can do this.” He turned to look at her. “You tell me to leave, and I will. I’ll leave your room and the farm, if that’s what you want. If you let me stay, I’ll step back and let you have the freedom to make your own choices without any threats or pressure.”

  Mina couldn’t hide her skepticism. “You say that now.”

  He sighed. “It’s true. I don’t want you to feel like you have no choice but to be with me. I won’t come to you until the new year. By then, you should have time to decide what you want. If you tell me to go away then, I will. No questions asked and no repercussions.”

  “Well, okay.” That was almost two weeks away. Mina didn’t know if she could really find a way to extricate herself from the situation by then. She didn’t know if she could find a way to get through to Shane by that time, to make him believe she really didn’t love him and didn’t want to keep welcoming him to her bed.

  “Just promise me you won’t be considering someone else to take my place in those two weeks.” He balled his hands into fists. “I think I deserve your full attention, since your decision affects my future.”

  She frowned. “Who would I consider?” Though she knew what he would say before he uttered it.

  “Coop. I won’t take it well if I find out you’ve been sneaking around with him when you’re supposed to be figuring out how you feel about me.”

  She shivered at the note of anger underlying his words, which made his assurance that he would accept her ultimate decision shaky. It seemed obvious that Shane wanted to try to do the decent thing, and he wanted to feel like she was with him by choice, but if she told him no—when she told him no—how was he really going to react? She shivered a bit as fear sent tingles up her spine.

  *****

  The first three days, Mina waited on tenterhooks for Shane to go back on his promise and come to her room. He didn’t, and he also kept his hands to himself in public and even in private the few times they ran into each other over the next week. She was daring to hope he had been sincere.

  It also left her wondering if he’d changed. Could someone change that much, especially in just four months? Did Shane really love her, and if so, had that somehow influenced him to overcome a lifetime of habits and behaviors? It didn’t seem plausible, but she didn’t know.

  During the day, she rehearsed multiple ways of telling him she hadn’t changed her mind, mentally going through his likely responses. She hoped for a calm, reasonable acceptance, but feared a nuclear reaction.

  At night, things got a bit more complicated. Lying alone in her bed, which had seemed so cramped with him there, was lonely. She seemed to have acres of space and still ended up curling into the position she’d gotten used to when he was sleeping beside her.

  It was physical. It had to be. Shane was a drug. She was simply craving the highs, though she hadn’t let herself forget the low points. Wanting him was like wanting a dangerous substance. It might make you feel good for a bit, but was hazardous in the long run. In the light of day, her weakness sickened her, knowing she wanted anything to do with her rapist. At night, it was harder to pretend her body didn’t miss the attention and the regular sexual release.

  He had twisted her into a demented slave. Fuck.

  Mina was in the barn, where they had set up an old-fashioned laundry system, complete with a ringer and scrub board. Her hands ached from the strong soap and the scrubbing motion, and she cursed Kelly. She was supposed to be Mina’s partner today, but hadn’t bothered to show up.

  She was surprised when Coop walked in. Her body immediately flared to life, helping her distinguish the difference between her tepid desire for Shane and her white-hot need for the man standing near her. “Hello,” she said cautiously. They hadn’t spoken since that day in her room three weeks ago.

  He inclined his head. “Kelly asked me to fill in for her, but she didn’t mention who her partner was.” His displeasure was obvious, and he made no attempt to hide it.

  Mina lifted a shoulder. “I can handle it myself.” It would take all damn day to work through the huge stack of laundry, but she could do it rather than subject Coop to her presence.

  He sighed. “Nah, it’s fine. Gotta get over it sometime, huh?”

  She kept her mouth shut, moving to the side to allow him easy access to the ringer. He started feeding through a T-shirt, and she returned to scrubbing.

  “So, no kid?” he asked abruptly.

  Mina shook her head. “No.”

  He looked relieved. “I guess Shane and I both dodged a bullet there.”

  She winced. “You don’t have to be so mean.”

  The garment in the ringer looked like it might emerge with holes due to his rough handling. “That’s kind compared to how I feel like being.”

  “I’m sorry about that. I panicked. The idea of being tied to Shane with a baby freaked me out.” She gnawed her lip. “At the time, it seemed like a logical choice to…”

  “’Introduce another element to the equation,’” he quoted sardonically. “Yeah, I got that.” Several minutes passed in silence before he spoke again. “Let me ask you something? Does Shane know how you really feel about him? ‘Cause the last c
ouple of times you’ve mentioned him, you sound like you hate him.”

  “I don’t hate him, but I don’t want to be with him either.” Mina gasped when a hay bale hit the ground. She looked up with sick eyes to see Shane standing on the ladder leading to the hayloft, looking devastated. God, he’d heard it all. Darkness descended over his expression, and she could practically see him grasping that she had slept with Coop at least once as it sank into his brain.

  “Fuck,” said Coop, looking disheartened. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were there.”

  “Leave,” said Shane, not looking at Coop.

  Coop hesitated. “Why don’t you come down, and we’ll talk it out?”

  Shane slid down the ladder in a move she’d only seen on television. He turned to Coop. “I don’t want to talk to you. It sounds like you aren’t the lying, cheating cunt in this relationship, Coop.”

  Coop shrugged. “Yeah, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I should have told you…”

  Shane gave him a cold look. “We’ll deal with that later. Right now, I want to be alone with Mina.”

  Mina grasped Coop’s arm. “Please don’t leave me alone with him. He’ll hurt me.”

  Coop shrugged her off. “I already told you I don’t buy into that crap, Mina. Shane wouldn’t harm you.” He spun on his heel and strode from the barn, not looking back.

  Mina stood frozen to the spot as Shane approached. She held up her hands in front of her face, surprised when he stopped a few feet away. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “Really? For what? For fucking around with my friend? Are you sorry you aren’t pregnant by him? Are you fucking sorry you let me believe you were considering our future when you knew all along you didn’t want me?”

  “I tried to tell you,” she whispered.

  “I’m pretty fucking sure you didn’t, Mina. You never once said you had slept with Coop to cast paternity doubts. You sure as fuck never told me you were cheating on me.”

  “I told you several times that I didn’t want a relationship with you.” She held out her trembling hand. “I don’t know how to make you listen. The tiniest part of me cares for you. I have missed having you in my bed sometimes, but it’s all on a superficial level.” Mina scrubbed at her face as tears flooded her eyes. “It all comes back to not being able to trust you, Shane.”