Papa Bear (Finding Fatherhood Book 1) Read online

  With a sigh of his own, he picked up the bag of tea. “I’m not giving up. I’m never giving up.”

  “You’re starting to sound like a stalker.” Despite her snarky words, she couldn’t deny that excitement filled her at the idea of him continuing to pursue her. It was flattering, even though it was difficult to resist him, despite the best reasons to do so. “I guess I’ll see you in two days for more tea.”

  He looked grim as he nodded. “I guess you will.”

  ***

  She was wrong about two days. Her phone rang early the next morning, so early it was practically still the night before. Her eyes were glued together as she fumbled for her phone, barely managing to open them and look at the alarm clock beside the bed. She cursed when she saw it was only a little after three a.m. “They’d better be dying.” As she muttered the words, she finally oriented her phone the right direction and swiped the screen to answer. “Hello?”

  “I’m sorry to bother you, especially this late, but I don’t who else to call.” Lucas’s voice emerged from the speakerphone, sounding tired and frantic all at once.

  Concern swept through her. “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t get her to stop crying, and I don’t have any friends or family nearby. You’re my only friend in the area.”

  She could hear the baby screaming in the background, and concern filled her. “I don’t know anything about babies.”

  “Join the club,” he said, somewhere between snapping and joking. “Will you please come help me?”

  She could imagine how much it humbled the big man to ask for help, and she wasn’t hard enough to deny his request. “I’ll be over in a few minutes.” After hanging up, she slid out of bed and dressed quickly, throwing a flannel shirt over her fluffy pajama bottoms and camisole tank top that she had worn to bed. She shoved her feet into shoes and slid her phone into the shirt’s pocket before leaving her house.

  Lucas lived behind her in a small house he had purchased a couple of months ago. No, it must have been longer than that now, because he’d been all settled in for at least a month when he’d disappeared. They lived in one of the older neighborhoods in San Diego, which was a mix of commercial and residential, and though it wasn’t an affluent area, it was safe enough to walk from her shop to his house that early in the morning without having to be too safety-conscious.

  As she tapped on the door, he opened it with a screaming baby in one hand. He looked harried, and she could feel another layer of the ice she’d placed around her heart to keep him out crack and start to thaw. That was the last thing she needed, but she didn’t have time to focus on her own weakening resolve as he allowed her to cross the threshold before closing the door behind her. A moment later, her arms were full of baby, and she stared down at the infant with some helplessness of her own. “What am I supposed to do with her?”

  Her stressed father threw up his hands. “I have no idea. I’ve been walking with her, I rocked her, I gave her a bath, and I fed her.”

  “Did you change her diaper?”

  He gave her a look that revealed just how stupid he thought the question was, though he was kind enough not to say it. “Of course I did. Nothing seems to work. She’s not running a fever, or I’d take her to the hospital. Do you think she’s teething?”

  She shrugged. “How old is she?”

  “Eleven days.”

  She shrugged again as she patted the baby’s back and started pacing with her. “I have no idea. Why don’t you Google it or call her pediatrician?”

  He seemed happy to have a purpose, and he strode to the computer tucked away into the corner of his living room, taking a seat at the desk with an air of relief that suggested he was relieved to be sitting. He was probably relieved to receive a small reprieve from holding the screaming infant too.

  She knew nothing about babies, but it made sense to comfort the little one, so she jostled her gently and rubbed her back with one hand while supporting her head with the other. After a few minutes of searching, Lucas made a sound of what could have been satisfaction. She moved closer to him. “Did you find something?”

  “Yeah, though I’m not sure it’s exactly good news. It sounds like she might have colic. Is she drawing her legs up to her tummy still?”

  She looked down, finding the baby curled up in just that position. “Yes.”

  “Does her tummy feel hard?”

  She cupped it gently. “I don’t know. I don’t think so, but it’s definitely firmer than mine.” That wasn’t much of a comparison though, since she was a curvy woman, and the baby was tiny, and certainly not one of the adorable chubby kind. She was still awfully adorable, even when screaming, but she didn’t have a lot of extra baby fat.

  “It sounds like colic, though she’s a bit young for it. I have to go to the store to get some supplies. Do you mind watching her for a few minutes?”

  “Of course not. I just hope they have what you need.”

  “Me too. I hate hearing her scream.”

  She put a hand on his arm as he stood up, patting lightly. “I think you’re doing a good job at this fatherhood thing. Don’t let a little screaming get to you. I bet babies do this all the time.”

  He looked faintly alarmed. “I certainly hope not. Hearing her cry is the worst thing ever.”

  She could have interpreted that as him being irritated with the baby’s noisiness, but the tender way he looked at the infant revealed he hated the sound because it was representative of Angel’s suffering, not because it irritated him. Crack went another layer of ice around her heart, and she was tempted for a moment to shove the baby back in his arms and run away before the rest of the ice melted. Of course she couldn’t do that, so she just held onto the baby and watched him leave the house five minutes later, his determination to ease his daughter’s suffering making it awfully hard to maintain her resolve to avoid entanglements with the law enforcement officer.

  She looked down at the baby in her arms, who continued to wail. “Your daddy’s a heartbreaker.” Not because he was deliberately cruel, but because his tenderness was breaking through her heart and the walls she used to protect herself. He was dangerous to her, not because he was threatening, but because he was so tempting. It was getting harder to remember the reasons why it would never work out with Lucas.

  ***

  It was nearly ten a.m. before Angel settled down completely, falling fast asleep in the sling. Libby had been the one walking her at that point, because Lucas looked just as exhausted as his daughter, and he was now snoozing on the couch. When she was certain the baby was asleep, she moved into his bedroom, where he’d set up the crib. She carefully removed the baby from the sling and laid her down on her back, looking around for blankets or a pillow, but not seeing them. Perhaps you weren’t supposed to use them with infants? With a shrug, deciding the room was warm enough with the baby’s fluffy sleeper, she tiptoed out of the room, leaving the door cracked, and made her way back to the living room.

  Lucas was still asleep on the couch, and she bit her lip as she debated about whether she should wake him before leaving. Ultimately, she decided she should. He might prefer to sleep in his own room, and either way, he needed to know he was the only adult available. She briefly considered staying, but she was dead on her feet too, and staying would mean sleeping beside Lucas on the couch or borrowing his bed. That idea was far too tempting, especially when she imagined him sprawled in it beside her.

  Clearing her throat, she moved closer to him. He didn’t even flinch when she cleared her throat again, louder this time. “Lucas?” He didn’t stir at all, so she moved closer to the couch, leaning carefully over him with one knee on the cushion as she brought her face closer to his. She told herself it was simply so she wouldn’t have to shout at him, but she couldn’t pretend there wasn’t more drawing her toward him.

  His lips looked soft and inviting, parted as he snored gently. For a brief moment, she was tempted to mold hers to his, but then common sense reasserted itsel
f. She couldn’t go around kissing him, especially when he was asleep, if she wanted to maintain an emotional distance between them. That was the sort of thing that led to anything but friends. Either they’d end up as fiery lovers that broke up as soon as he learned about her past, or they’d fizzle and fade out. That seemed pretty unlikely, considering how he made her heart race, but she wasn’t willing to risk the friendship for a casual fling.

  “Lucas?” She kept her voice soft, but a little louder than last time. “Are you awake enough to hear what I’m telling you?”

  He muttered something that sounded eerily like a growl, and a moment later his arm was around her, dragging her down onto his lap. He held her cuddled against his chest, his large hand cupping the back of her head and keeping her immobile. She would have objected, but she knew he was asleep—and she didn’t exactly want to object if she were being honest with herself. Being held against him like this felt too good, and she allowed herself a moment to savor it before pulling away with a regretful sigh.

  His arms held tightly to her, requiring some effort on her part to free herself enough to lift her head. “Lucas, wake up.” She spoke more firmly this time, and his eyelashes fluttered open slowly. His gaze seemed unfocused, so she waited until there was a sign of recognition before speaking once more. “Angel is finally asleep, and I need you to let me go so I can go home and fall into bed myself. Thank goodness it’s a Sunday, so I don’t have to open the shop until this afternoon.”

  He growled something again, and most of the words were incomprehensible to her, but she was aware of his arms tightening around her, and one word coming through crystal-clear. “Mine.”

  She shook her head, denying his assertion to both of them as she tried to pull away. “Let go now. I know you’re half-asleep, but you have to let go.”

  “I have a better idea,” he said in a slurry voice thick with sleep. A second later, the hand on the back of her head guided her mouth to his, and his lips touched hers.

  It was a surprisingly tender kiss, considering how gruff he’d been, and how clearly reluctant he was to release her from his arms. His mouth moved gently over hers, his tongue stroking the seam before pressing lightly to gain access. Even knowing it was a bad idea, she yielded with a moan, allowing his tongue to sweep inside her mouth. She caressed it with her own as their kiss grew progressively hungrier. For the moment, she forgot all about how weary she was as she lost herself in Lucas’s kiss.

  She wanted to think at some point she would have regained control and tapped into common sense, but she couldn’t be certain of that. If it hadn’t been for Angel crying, separating them instantly, she couldn’t confidently tell herself she wouldn’t have ended up in his bed

  She jumped her feet. “Oh no, she’s awake again.” Regret filled her, and it wasn’t solely for Angel’s broken rest. She was marginally regretful the kiss had ended, even if it was for the best.

  With a tired sigh, he got to his feet. “I’ll take care of her, and then we can pick up where we left off.”

  She didn’t argue with him, hearing the escalation of Angel’s cries that indicated there was no time. And frankly, she didn’t want the confrontation. She simply waited until Lucas had gone into the baby’s room before moving away from the couch to the front door. She slipped out as quietly as possible, closing the door and locking it behind her with a quiet click. Then she rushed from his house back to her shop, moving as quickly as she could but still unable to out run her own urges.

  ***

  He couldn’t believe it when he returned to his living room and found her gone. She’d slipped out without even a word of parting, and he’d stood there for at least a minute, trying to comprehend the truth. He probably would have grasped the idea that she had sneaked out much more quickly if he hadn’t been so tired. With a small sigh of disgust at her lack of facing him, he turned on his bare feet and headed back to his room, where he collapsed on the mattress face first and slept for the next few hours, until Angel woke him again.

  Now, with her refreshed and smiling, clearly having improved from the homeopathic gas drops, he dressed the baby and prepared her for the short walk to Libby’s house. It was late afternoon, so the shop might still be open, but if not, he’d scoped out her building enough to know where the back entrance was that lead to her apartment. He’d lean on the doorbell all afternoon if he had to, because they had to settle what had happened between them.

  The bell tinkled when they entered the shop, and his heart leapt in his chest, just as it always did, at the sight of his mate. Libby was packaging up a box for an elderly customer, so he had a moment to observe her without interruption, or having her shy away. She still looked tired, and he felt bad about disturbing her sleep, but he certainly didn’t regret kissing her.

  He finally felt like they were making some progress, and as he observed his black-haired mate finish her task, he wanted to stride over and bury his fingers in those long strands while tipping her head back and kissing her again. He was certain she would object, and the older woman shuffling out of the shop would probably be shocked at his display, so he held himself in check.

  If he thought it would have worked, he would have made the grand gesture, but whatever was holding Libby back—and it clearly wasn’t a lack of attraction as proven by their kiss earlier in the day—it was enough to make her skittish, so he’d have to move slowly. He’d already felt like he was moving at a glacial pace before being assigned to Astoria’s protection detail, and he wondered if he had lost any small progress that he might have made before then, or if his absence had actually done something to soften her. It was difficult to say, based on that explosive kiss followed by her running away.

  He could see her chest heave as she let out a small groan at the sight of him. He tried not to take it personally as he approached the counter.

  She arched her brow. “Surely you’re not out of matcha tea already?”

  He ignored the question, keeping his expression serious as he placed his palms on the counter and leaned across it, careful not to squish Angel in her sling against his chest. “You just left.”

  He could see her draw up defensively, her shoulders curving in as her lower lip protruded in an obstinate set. “I was tired, and you clearly didn’t need me any longer.”

  “If that were the case, you would have simply told me you were leaving. You waited until I was busy with Angel before sneaking out. I just want to know why?”

  She shrugged. “It was obvious you thought things were going somewhere they weren’t. I thought it would be easier for both of us if I just left the situation.”

  He snorted. “What was obvious to me was you were as eager to get there as I was, at least until Angel cried, and we both had to think for a few minutes. I know you want me. I can tell after this morning.” He could tell any time he was in her vicinity, because he could smell her arousal, but he didn’t share or explain that information. “So what’s holding you back? Do you have a secret husband stashed somewhere? A boyfriend at the penitentiary?” He added the last part as a joke, but the way she flinched made him reevaluate. “Is that the case?”

  He let out a small sigh of relief when she shook her head, looking irritated. “No, of course that’s not it. I don’t want to get involved with a criminal. I just have my reasons, and you need to respect them. I want to stay your friend, but if there’s going to be any more of the kissing business, I won’t be able to do that.”

  Her tone sounded sincere, but it was obvious from her body language that even she knew she didn’t mean the words as she spoke them. Her confliction was obvious, though he didn’t know the root of the problem. “You know what I think?”

  She sighed, clearly exasperated. “No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

  He didn’t allow the snark to distract him. “I think you’re afraid. I don’t know if you’re afraid of me, or how I make you feel, but it’s obviously fear holding you back.”

  She feigned a yawn, looking desperate
to look bored, though failing completely. “Where did you receive your degree in psychology? Was it in a crackerjack box, or did you send away for it?”

  He grinned at her. “You can hide behind sarcasm all you want, but I’m not going to be deterred from our conversation.”

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s hardly a conversation. You’re just telling me what you think, and I’m sitting here forced to listen.”

  He put up his hands, making a show of leaning back so he was no longer anywhere near her personal space. “There’s nothing about force here, Libby. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. If you tell me to never come back, and you don’t want to see me again, I’ll try to abide by that. I don’t way you to felt threatened or intimidated. If you’re afraid of me, you have no reason to be, but I know words alone won’t reassure you.”

  She frowned, and her expression thawed slightly. “I’m not afraid of you. I just know you and me would be a bad idea. Sometimes, you can’t have everything you want.”

  He flashed her a cocky grin, sensing the need to lighten the atmosphere. “You admit you want me?”

  She rolled her eyes, but her lack of answer was as telling as if she had confirmed with a yes. “I think you’re missing the point. You can’t have what you want, at least not this time.”

  “Whatever you’re afraid of, do you really want fear to dominate your life? I think we could be good together, Libby. If you really don’t feel that, then I’ll leave you alone. But if you feel something for me like I feel for you, you’re cheating both of us by giving in to fear.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “So what’s it going to be? Are you going to live in fear, or you going to give us a chance?”