Papa Bear (Finding Fatherhood Book 1) Page 5

  So here she was, about to arrive at a small cabin deep in the mountains, where she’d be with Lucas and Angel for an indeterminate amount of time. Her heartrate accelerated, and she tried to tell herself it was strictly dread at the prospect, but she couldn’t deny she was excited to be alone with both of them for a while. It was a foolish reaction, because if she gave in to the urge to get closer to either one of them, it would just be harder when the inevitable separation came.

  She cursed herself for agreeing to accompany them as she got out of the car a few minutes later and walked around to the trunk, reaching in for her bags as Lucas lifted the car seat from the back, carrying the cooing baby in one hand and his own luggage in the other. For himself, he’d packed light, but she knew the large bag still waiting in the trunk contained all the necessary things for Angel for a few days. It was kind of funny that one little baby required twice as much luggage as two adults.

  They entered the cabin after he unlocked the door, and her eyes widened with surprise. It was far more luxurious than she’d expected for a mountain hideaway. The walls were highly polished blonde logs, sealed with a shiny varnish, and the ceiling was actually a glass skylight, at least in this part of the house. Moving from the living room, she briefly perused the kitchen, finding it was outfitted with top-of-the-line appliances and was large enough to cook a meal for twelve easily.

  Lucas had gone up the stairs, so she followed a moment later, stepping onto the landing and finding two doors. She opened the first one randomly and discovered a bathroom with a deep soaker tub and a separate shower stall. The next door was a bedroom, and she was dismayed to see there was only the one as she walked in. There was a set of stairs leading upward, and she was relieved to find a loft area waiting there.

  Without waiting for permission or instruction, she climbed the stairs and stowed her luggage by the full-size bed. It was a cozy little nook, and it would certainly be a better alternative than sleeping on the couch in the living room. There was no way she could share that bed with him, so it was a relief to have an alternative, even if it only provided limited privacy.

  She walked down the log stairway again, making her way through the bedroom to retrieve the pack ‘n play and a few other essentials from the car while Lucas handled a dirty diaper. She wrinkled her nose as she walked past, relieved she hadn’t pulled that duty, and much preferring the idea of schlepping in baby items, even with her injured arm.

  It didn’t take long to finish clearing the car and bringing up the rest of the baby equipment. She set up the pack ‘n play near the bed and then stood waiting for a moment as Lucas finished dressing Angel in a fresh sleeper. Realizing she was just staring at him, she cleared her throat and turned away. “I’m going to unload the groceries we stopped for.”

  “Wait a minute, and I’ll help you.”

  She kept on walking, going to the kitchen and losing herself in the mindless process of putting away the food they’d bought, purchasing enough for at least a week, since they had no idea how long they’d be at the location. After putting away the groceries, she busied herself cooking a quick meal, which they ate in terse silence.

  He tried to speak to her a few times, but she shut him down each time. She was too raw and vulnerable at the moment to face a discussion and maintain the necessary distance between them that would convince him there was no point in trying to change her mind.

  The truth was, she was perilously close to toppling, and she couldn’t allow that to happen. All it took was a glance at Angel, who lay comfortably in one of his arms as he ate deftly with one hand, to remind her of what was at stake. Marla Vickers hadn’t liked her, and the other woman would be delighted to discover her criminal record and use it against her. There was no way she’d allow the adoption to be finalized if Libby was part of the picture. Even if Lucas could overlook her past, the social worker certainly wouldn’t.

  She refused to be the reason why Lucas lost the baby, so she had to keep herself strong and focused and remember why she couldn’t be with him. He might not realize it, but it was because of her growing love for him that she had to end the relationship, not because she didn’t feel something for him. She felt too much for both of them. She’d already lost her heart to Angel, and she feared she’d done the same with Lucas. As much as she wanted to be in their lives, she couldn’t be selfish enough to cost Lucas the adoption.

  With that thought firmly in her mind, she excused herself after dinner, pausing long enough to take a quick shower in the bathroom before hurrying up to the loft, where she turned in early. She expected to toss and turn, but was surprised when her lids felt heavy. Perhaps it was a side effect of the medication the paramedic had given her before stitching her up, or maybe it was just the stress of the day catching up with her. Whatever it was, she slept surprisingly well, not stirring at all and not allowing her thoughts to dwell on what she had almost had, but needed to give up.

  ***

  Most of the next day was filled with long silences and terse responses as she did her best to stay out of his way and avoid any conversations or confrontations. That was easier said than done when they were trapped together in the small cabin, even if it was luxurious. There was even Wi-Fi, which made it possible to spend a few hours pretending to be lost in a book, though the words on the screen blurred together on her Kindle, and she didn’t think she actually understood more than one in ten. Technically, she finished the book by late afternoon, but she couldn’t remember a single detail.

  She looked up when he stood over her, Angel in one arm. From his sheer size, and her vantage point, she should have felt like he was looming over her, but instead she just felt safe and protected. It was an illusion she couldn’t allow herself to accept, and she forced a neutral expression. “Do you need help with the baby?”

  He nodded, looking annoyed with her tone or her expression. More likely, he was just fed up with her entire disconnected attitude. She couldn’t blame him, but she couldn’t think of a better way to dissuade him from trying to convince her to change her mind. She couldn’t let herself end up in that position, because she was too close to giving in as it was.

  “Can you hold her and look after her for a bit? I thought I’d grill us some steaks.”

  She nodded, setting aside the Kindle and lifting her arms so he could lay Angel in them. She supported the little girl’s head and started cooing to her, feeling that familiar rush of maternal love surge over her. It was another illusion, but she couldn’t so easily disconnect from this one. Not that it was easy to disconnect from how she felt for Lucas, but she knew what was at stake if she didn’t. It was because of the sweetheart in her arms that she had to distance herself from him, though it was the hardest thing she’d ever done. She wanted to embrace both of them, to create their own family with just the three of them.

  As much as she loved holding Angel, it was a relief to pass her back to Lucas when he announced dinner was ready a little while later. Holding the baby was sweet torture and simply reminded her of what she couldn’t have. Her appetite was nonexistent, but she pushed food around the plate as Lucas ate with gusto, and Angel snoozed in the crook of his arm. The silence was getting to her, and she abruptly pushed away her plate and stood back from the table. “Thanks for dinner, but I’m done.”

  She grabbed her plate and cleared it in the sink before running from the kitchen. She froze in the living room as silent sobs shook her body, not even certain what had pushed her to this point. Maybe it was just the simple domesticity of the scene she had fled, underscoring that she was an outsider rather than part of it, that had reduced her to tears. She wasn’t certain, and she couldn’t seem to staunch the flow or get her feet to move to the somewhat private area of the loft she had claimed for her room. She just stood there sobbing, and it wasn’t until she felt Lucas’s arms go around her that she realized she’d been waiting for that.

  He held her with his stomach pressed against her back, and his large arms enfolding her curvy frame. She didn’t
look at him, but she did glance over to see Angel sleeping in her car seat on the floor near the couch. Of it its own accord, her body turned in his arms and curved against him. It was heaven to have him holding her, even though she was soaking his T-shirt with her tears. She shouldn’t even allow herself this moment of weakness, taking comfort from him, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself as she melted against him.

  He rubbed her back, murmuring soothing words as she cried the rest of the tears that had built up inside her. As long as it took her to expunge them, she thought maybe they had been accumulating for most of her life. She had never cried in front of her mother, at least not from the time she was a little girl, because Sylvia had taunted her whenever she did so. Part of her was ashamed to be crying now, but mostly it just felt cathartic.

  When the final sobs fled, and she was doing nothing more than an occasional snuffle or hiccup, she started to pull away. His arms tightened around her, and she should have resisted, but she didn’t.

  “What’s wrong, Libby?”

  The simple question threatened to unravel her newly regained control, and she had to swallow a lump in her throat and fight the renewed sting of tears in her eyes. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I’m crying.” Her voice sounded thick and wet, and her throat was scratchy.

  “You’ve been through something traumatic, and it’s not uncommon to have an emotional breakdown hours, or even days, after something like the shooting.”

  It would have been smarter to let him believe that was what left her a sobbing mess before, but she knew it wasn’t the shooting. She wasn’t entirely clear about everything that had led to her collapse, but it all revolved around Lucas and Angel and had nothing to do with the danger they’d faced yesterday. That had been frightening, but not nearly as terrifying as the prospect of losing the two of them, which was an inevitability.

  “It wasn’t the shooting. I think…it just hit me what I’ve lost, even though I never really had it.”

  He frowned, his confusion obvious. “What have you lost? Maybe I can help you find it.”

  A small giggle escaped through her raspy throat. “It’s not that kind of lost. I really can’t talk about this with you.”

  He took a step back, dropping his arms from around her. He ran a hand through his hair as he growled in evident frustration. “I don’t understand you. Why can’t you talk about it with me? I thought we were close.”

  She let out a small sigh. “It’s because we were getting too close that I can’t talk to you. Every interaction makes it harder to do the right thing.”

  Lucas scowled. “What’s the right thing?”

  “Get out of your life and forget how much you and the baby mean to me.” She snapped the words at him, regretting her honesty a moment later when she realized what she was confessing.

  His expression softened, and he reached out a hand to her, pressing it against her cheek. “How could that be the right thing when it’s hurting all of us?”

  Her bottom lip trembled, and she sank her teeth through it to keep from crying again. “You have to trust me on that. I’m no good for you or her. We have to forget all about whatever we had for a little while.”

  His expression tightened, and he shook his head. “No.”

  Her eyes widened. “It’s not up for debate.”

  “I can’t forget about what we had, because I’m in love with you. I want you to be my mate—wife and help me raise Angel. I don’t need months or years to determine that. We’re made for each other, and I don’t understand why you keep fighting that.”

  He was so calm and certain, so confident in his pronouncement, that conversely it sent a wave of panic spiraling through her. She pulled away from his hand and spun on her heel, running out the front door before logic could reassert itself. In the back of her mind, she knew there was nowhere to run, and she was in no danger, but panic had taken over, triggering her fight-or-flight response.

  Adrenaline pumped through her, and she ran as fast and as hard as she could through the crude trail in the forest, her heart thundering in her ears and her breathing a series of ragged gasps. She would’ve run blindly until extending her last reserves of energy if she hadn’t tripped over an exposed root and landed on the hard ground. A few leaves cushioned the blow, but the wind was knocked out of her.

  As she gasped for breath, her mind started to calm down, and by the time Lucas and Angel caught up with her, she could almost breathe again, and she had enough control not to try to scramble to her feet and keep running.

  He didn’t chastise her for running or express any confusion or anger. He simply knelt on the ground beside her before gracefully sitting on his butt, placing the car seat to the side after ensuring Angel was still sleeping. Then he put his arm around her and pulled her against his chest. “Tell me why you think you’re not good enough for me. It’s complete crap, but I want to hear what your reasons are. Before you tell me though, I want you to know that nothing you’ll say is going to shake my conviction that I love you, and we belong together. I don’t care if you were a prostitute or a drug addict or an assassin for the government.”

  She laughed in spite of herself as she imagined herself in the role of government assassin, or even prostitute. She shook her head. “It’s nothing like that, though the drug addict thing is kind of close. When I was nineteen, I was arrested with twenty kilos of cocaine in my car.” To his credit, he stiffened, but didn’t speak, and his grasp on her didn’t loosen. She drew a little courage from that and continued. “I’d like to say I wasn’t guilty, but I was.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t imagine you as a drug runner. There had to be extenuating circumstances. Did a boyfriend get you involved?”

  She let out a sharp laugh. “In a way. It was my mother’s boyfriend, Javier Calderon, and he made it clear that if I didn’t join his company, I wouldn’t have the chance to refuse. My mother thought it was a great idea, because I didn’t have a criminal record, so they’d go easy on me if I was caught. I spent seven months ferrying drugs for them, all the while hoping for a way to escape. My luck ran out, but in a strange way, getting arrested is what saved me.”

  He took her hand with the arm not wrapped around her already. “What happened?”

  “Javier offered me an expensive attorney, but I chose to go with a public defender instead. I wanted a clean break from him and my mother. I figured a lengthy prison sentence was as good an escape as any, so I didn’t really help in my defense. Fortunately, I lucked out and ended up with a good attorney. He was overworked, but he still cared about people, and he fought for me when I wasn’t willing to do so.

  “I got eighteen months in prison, and three years of probation. Part of the terms of my probation were I couldn’t have anything to do with criminals, which was a relief. I did my time, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought it would be. Honestly, after growing up with my mother and her series of boyfriends, it was downright pleasant to know I was going to have the same routine every day, see the same faces, and not be forced to break the law on a continuous basis.”

  He seemed slightly amused by that. “I’ve never heard prison described as a pleasant experience.”

  She shrugged. “They must not have had my childhood then.” The sympathy in his expression almost brought a new round of tears, but she blinked them away. “When I got out, my parole officer helped me get established and stable, and during my time in prison, my mother had broken up with Javier, so at least I didn’t have to deal with the cartel any longer. She tried to see me once, and I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. Shortly thereafter, she was arrested for running drugs too, and I haven’t seen her since. She’s still in prison, though I did receive notice that she’s up for parole again. I doubt she’ll get it, and I certainly wasn’t going to show up as a character witness at her hearing as she requested.”

  He seemed confused. “Are you telling me the reason you’ve pulled back from me is simply because you have a criminal record and an ugl
y family history?”

  She let out a small sigh of exasperation. “There’s nothing simple about it. You’re in law enforcement, and I’m a criminal. My entire family is littered with criminals. It wouldn’t be good for you to be associated with me.”

  He scoffed. “I don’t think promotions or career success are going to hinge on whether or not your great-grandfather was a bank robber.”

  Her eyes widened. “How did you know that?” At his startled expression, she couldn’t help a giggle. “I’m just kidding. My great-grandfather didn’t rob banks. He just moved moonshine.”

  He waved a hand. “You know what I mean. You aren’t responsible for your family’s actions, and you’re clearly different than you were in the past. It doesn’t sound like you were ever voluntarily running drugs anyway. Why would you think I’d care about that?”

  “You’re obviously an upstanding citizen, and I figured with your career, you’d find my past reprehensible. At one point, I was optimistic that it wouldn’t matter too much.”

  His expression darkened. “It doesn’t matter at all, but what changed to temper your optimism?”

  “Marla Vickers. I realized the day I met her that my past would keep you from being able to adopt Angel, and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I can’t allow that to happen. As much as I want to be with you, I can’t. It could cost you your daughter.”

  His lips tightened. “I don’t think it’s going to matter. It’s been how long since you’ve been out of prison?”

  “Eight years, and I haven’t been on probation for five, but I’m telling you she’ll ensure it matters.”

  He looked confused. “Why would she?”

  She rolled her eyes. “She’s clearly attracted to you, and she didn’t like that you had a girlfriend. For an observant law-enforcement official, you’re kind of clueless when it comes to the dynamics of women.”

  He chuckled. “I’m willing to concede that point. I won’t concede the point that you’re my mate though. We’ll fight together, and I have no doubt we’ll both be able to adopt Angel. What happened was in the past, and even if Marla turned it into some sort of vendetta, there are people above her. We’re both stable, and I have enough money to hire the best attorney if it comes to that. We aren’t going to lose her, and Angel and I refuse to lose you.”